Challenges in Joining an Indian Family

Though intercultural marriages are increasingly common in the Indian setting, there are still a number of reasons why they are frowned upon and that can lead to challenges for outsiders trying to join an Indian family.
The rise of the NRI (non resident Indian) and access to internet and social media sites has fueled change in attitudes within some parts of society but certainly not all.
Today I thought I would talk about cultural mindsets and ideas that prevent a foreigner being easily accepted into a desi family.
It is plainly obvious to everyone that Indian culture is vastly different to the culture present in the West, but for people not raised or familiar with both cultures it is not easy to see and understand how.
Before I talk about any specifics, I will preface the discussion with some general social constructs that tended to be normal in times gone by and in some families even today.
Most of India lives in a fairly rigid, religious and patriarchal society. Everyone is constantly trying to find their place in the various Indian hierarchies, be it in terms of caste, class, wealth, education, progressiveness and how well traveled they are. It is common for families to adhere to social norms and unwritten rules to build and maintain status and respect in society and do what they can to hold on to and constantly grow that honour. Nobody wants to bring shame or embarrassment to their house. The eldest male is generally the head of the household and it is often his duty to keep his family members (wife and children) in line. Women are the keepers of the culture and often responsible for imparting cultural and religious knowledge onto their children as well as general education, manners and ethics. Women are often married into their husband’s family and given the lowest rung on the ladder. Over the decades and through their personal sacrifice (perhaps health, individual desire and career) as well as selfless service running the home, and bearing sons they slowly begin to climb the ladder. When their children become educated and successful and find suitable (read fair and lovely) brides of their own, who care for their in laws (display subservience) and bear more male offspring then these women who were once brides on the lowest rung move further and further up the chain of command. Any disruption to the execution of the duties as a woman in the Indian family can affect the level of respect they receive in their home and wider community. As we know the Indian community can tend to be very communal, very gossip driven and this leads to many trying to maintain their pedestal and not have to answer questions from their peers. Comparison and social stigma are normal parts of Indian life for many. Another key aspect is that many Indian children are raised to believe that they are indebted to their parents for raising them, and that they must attain their approval and blessings before undertaking major life changes and decisions.
Now back to the challenges that some face when trying to be accepted by their partner’s family. When trying to address culture gaps and frictions it is somewhat important to approach the issue with compassion, understanding and sensitivity – this bodes for a far better outcome than just thinking that your mother in law is evil!!

The first point that I wanted to start with was that of expectations, which applies to both sides of the coin. New brides have expectations and ideas about the type of mother in law they will have, the role she will play in their lives and they type of relationship they will share. In all likelihoods your mother in law has a vastly different expectation for those things. Indian mothers raise their daughters to be married into other homes, knowing that it is their daughter in law that they will live with throughout their life. Mother in laws dream of beautiful, fair, soft spoken and simple girls that can abide to family traditions, respect elders and can adhere to religious observances. Naturally they imagine that their daughter in law will share their mother tongue, religion, caste and class so there will be harmony in the household. Your mother in law may well have dreamed that she would be best friends with you, live together and guide you in all your life’s decisions. For many westerners this is off putting, they find this unusual and intimidating as they are used to independence but for Indian families this is just how it is. When babies are born it is often paternal grandparents and Aunts that choose their names as a custom and it is the norm that the baby would spend more time with the paternal family. Now you can begin to understand how Indian mothers feel when their sons bring home foreign girls, their hopes and dreams and expectations come crashing down and they are left fearful that what they have worked towards in their life (happy family and plenty of grandchildren bouncing in their lap) may not come to fruition. This is part of the reason why some families flatly refuse to acknowledge foreigners and hope that if they resist enough they will go away. Some people even see it as a failing of the parents when children bring home foreign loves, so it is easy to understand why some want to protect themselves from that label.

From the expectations stem so many issues, questions and fears. Indian families do not want to bring negative attention on their home, and a foreigner joining the family raises questions. A commonly asked question in the Indian setting is ‘what will people say’ and yes people talk a hell of a lot more when a child chooses to marry a foreigner. Yes people talk about contract marriages about pregnancies and about Indian boys being out of control abroad and it is difficult for Indian parents to rebuff these questions especially about someone they do not know. Unfortunately for many Indian people, western women are seen as having loose moral character, as being bad wives and they are known for divorce and multiple marriages. Indian culture does not encourage freedom of thought and individual choices, so much of society is bound by familial and societal obligations, this is what children are taught from a young age, just as our elders were. Not only do elders worry about the potential offspring to come from a relationship being torn away from Indian culture they also worry that western women are controlling and may steal the men away from their mothers, families and social & financial obligations. It is very common even in this day and age for Indian parents to be financially dependent on their children in old age.

Religion, caste and cultural practice are a huge aspect of Indian culture and a very significant part of what Indian women are supposed to pass onto their children. Within the many varied communities in India it is still uncommon for people to venture out of their varna (caste group/section) let alone to have an interfaith marriage. When an Indian person marries a foreigner there is great worry that the children that come of this marriage will not learn about their father’s religion, his mother tongue, his culture and country and that in essence the children would be western like their mother. Indian people are very proud of their culture and seek to preserve it, and this is another reason mixed marriage is often opposed. It also does not help that India was colonised by the British and lived under their rule for such a long time, leaving notions of divide and conquer fresh in the minds of Indian elders. In some families mixed marriages are opposed because the family believes in caste purity and people from outside of their caste are not given the same status.

Harmony in the home is given a very important status in the Indian home. Harmony meaning things running smoothly and as they should without disruption or drama or conflict. The perception that some people have is that a foreigner will not be able to follow certain traditions, respect elders and maintain this harmony. People worry that the language barrier will lead to miscommunication, misunderstanding and potentially conflict. Indian mothers wonder who will give them company, who will care for them and talk to them and go with them to their place of worship if their son’s wife is a foreigner that doesn’t understand indian family traditions. Indian parents wonder how to communicate with foreigners, how they would spend time with their daughter in law alone and if they would ever have as close a bond as they would have had with an Indian girl.

Sometimes there are also Indian families where there are unhappy people who are jealous and who do not want to see other people happy, just like in any culture and family it can be the case. Luckily most of the issues discussed above are theoretical issues that can be overcome as you build trust, love and rapport with you desi family. Ignorance leads to fear and this in turn leads to worry and resistance to foreign family members, but knowledge and time and effort can wash all of the fear away.

This post is intended only as a general guide and different perspective for people to understand why some families are resistant and why it really isn’t the foreign person’s fault. All of the above issues can be overcome with or without a common language and with or without a common religion. Love and family are universal languages and everyone wants to see their family happy. With a little patience, compassion and effort mixed marriages can be just as successful as marriages with two spouses from the same culture, and foreign daughter in laws have just as much chance at a wonderful relationship with their in laws as Indian girls do.